Abarero @ Tumblr

atlas-bear:

#3: Thomas Jefferson

• Smartest person to ever set foot in the White House.
• Created strawberry flavored ice cream (and also oyster flavored ice cream but that’s gross so who cares?).
• Created macaroni & cheese.
• Made America twice as big by buying the Louisiana territory for like $15 million.
• Invented the swivel chair.
• Always kept up with modern fashion.
• Wanted to abolish slavery in the Declaration of Independence but the other founding fathers were like “nah” so they took that part out.
• Invented Venetian blinds.
• Started the war of 1812 because he was so rude to the British ambassador.
• Broke both of his hands trying to jump over a gate to impress a girl.
• Had the most awesome house ever.
• Never remarried after his wife died but did fuck everything in sight (including his slaves; most notably Sally Hemings who was his wife’s half sister and looked exactly like her).
• Almost never attended the Continental Congress meetings because he was too busy shopping.
• In the later years of his life during a dinner party, one of his guests jumped up from the table because he was startled by how closely the slave waiter (one of Jefferson’s sons) resembled Jefferson. Everybody on the table burst out laughing hysterically, except Jefferson who wasn’t in on the joke and continued eating his soup quietly.
• Also wrote the Declaration of Independence for France which led to that douchebag Louis XVI and his bitch wife to be executed.
• First atheist president.
• Was 6’2”
• Had his own personal copies of such popular religious texts as the Bible and the Quran in which he edited all the religious parts out.
• Had so many books that he donated most of them to the Library of Congress after it was burned down.
• Constantly fled from the White House to Monticello (his awesome house).
• Taught himself to write with both hands.
• Was a brilliant astronomer.
• Kept a bear cub in the White House.
• Helped his paleontologist friends assemble a giant sloth skeleton.
• Was and excellent violinist and pianist.
• Made his own wine.
• Started crying after he saw how horribly students behaved at the college he founded (UVA) which in turn made all the students cry.
• Died on the 50th anniversary of the 4th of July. The same day as his best friend John Adams.

And he is also considered the Father of American Archeology!